Iman Tumorang
Iman Tumorang
Software Engineer - Writer - Open Source Enthusiast - Startup Enthusiast
Feb 25, 2021 6 min read

My Mental Problem: Am I Too Hard to Myself?

Every morning, I always think about what makes me excited to finish this month? Waking up on the bed, and looking up the phone with a blank mind. Everything is less interesting from now on. It’s like life has nothing new to offer now. There’s nothing I want to do. I hate to say it, but I’m like a living zombie.

I remembered, back then, when everything is good, I’m brighter, I’m the stars. At least that’s how I feel from the look of people near me. My relatives said I was that good. But, little did they know, now, I’m depressed. Sometimes I was thinking, am I too hard for myself? Pushing myself to its limit, and now I’m hitting the limit, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.

Now it’s a few months already, I was demotivated, and still here, stuck on my mind. Keep asking myself, “what was wrong with me?”. On social media, and to people around me, I always tried to become a happy man, like I don’t have any issue with myself. I build my own Gaming PC, with the high-end, spent so much money on that, hoping I can re-charge my mood to its original. I played the game like a hell, taking a leave for 2 weeks, then from day-1 to day-14, I played all the games I can found. But nothing’s good. It’s only making me more stressed by the end of my leave. And now my PC was there not used. I also dyed my hair color, hoping it will help me to make me more happy, but it’s just the same. I’m happy at that moment I got my first new hair color. But after that, I’m still sad on being myself.

Another thing that I think also one of the reasons why I got depressed is, all of my side projects was failed. From Mabar, then Carislot, and then to some Game portal, and some idea to No-code platform, Easyread. I’m overwhelmed with failure. I suck failures like the blood of a vampire. And dying crazy because of it.

There’s a time, this thought comes to my mind, what if I take a break and self-healing. Traveling to anywhere I could go. Hometown, random places, or to anywhere. But, it’s hard when you’re the first son, and your family was expecting you a lot. Even my family didn’t expect anything from me, but as a first-born son, I do have some responsibilities to help my family especially in this pandemic situation. I’m lucky, I’m still got paid in my job. And I can help my family survive this pandemic.

There are a lot of places that definitely I want to visit, I do want to visit, like, Bali, Lombok, Raja Ampat. Or maybe to the outside of Indonesia, like Cebu in Philipines, Thailand, Japan, Europe, UK, etc. But, I don’t know, I just wished, I wish I can get rid of this sense of responsibility for at least like a year, or until I recovered. I wish I can have a fun time to myself. Looking at my life purposes again. Is it wrong to run from responsibilities like this?


Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Thinking this again, also makes me think the worse idea. What if I die, what if I suicide. And I don’t have to stress about life. It’s done. Why do I have to live like this? But then, this sense of responsibility comes again to strike me, like “what happens if you die, what will you do to your family, how come you think this like an easy option? Don’t you strong enough to face this? Won’t be your family really sad?” And it’s true, I can survive from the worst of my life (in terms of poverty), and now I’m here being able to get a job. But am I not strong enough to fix this?

Oh damn…

I think I need something, but I don’t know what it is. What really I’m looking for? I don’t know what to do, I’m stressed. Even talking to a psychologist not really help me a lot. The only take away that I got from my psychologist is

Everybody has diffrent problem at a different level.

This quote hit me so much. We all have problems with our own capability. But, I think, this is just too much for me. I’m not happy with my life.

But if I remember correctly, there’s a time that I feel happy though, and it’s on the night of the new year of 2021. I drink like a mad man, beers, vodka, and wine. That night, I think I’m happy and… drunk. Alone in my room like doing crazy shit. Singing, and watching movies. Flirting with random people through WhatsApp. And it happens on that long night. But, it’s temporary.

Because the next day, I’m back to feeling lost. I felt lost myself, the old me. The awesome of me. Iman that for all people known to be a role model for some people (at least they said I’m their role model directly, not something to happy though, it’s just another extra pressure).

Oh life… why hitting me so hard….. why it’s hard to find a certain purpose? Why I can’t be my old me, being ambitious, and dream big?

But, this past few days, I feel re-charged a bit. I’m still not sure, but some people said, love, can cure everything, cielah. I just found this girl though. I know her for a long time already, but I just spoke with her recently. I think it’s not about love, but more like a fellow of depressed people. She’s been there, stressed on her life purposes as well. And now she can stand on her own feet, fix her problem. I admire her as he can survive, then, I might be able to learn a few things from her, how to survive from this quarter-life crisis.

I ask her to bring me to a fun place, and yeah, I’m seeing new things that I never really cared about. Like, going to a pet cafe, playing with dogs, and cute piggy. And playing some never-heard boardgame. 5 years of my career, I always focus on work and work. Never really care about social life. I do playing futsal, but the pandemic hit us too much. It’s so hard to find fellow futsal boys now.

She said I lack social activities, and that’s why I’m trying to be more sociable now, finding new hobbies that can be done in this current situtation, that can be done alone or with her *ehm. I want to do anything that I have never done before. But, I’m afraid, on my fragile moment right now, small affection and attention can be really dangerous, I’m too afraid to fall in love now. As I know, I failed once already. I really hate it when dealing with emotions. But it’s cute, how come a not fun, nerd, geek engineer can feel this way tho? LOL 😂

So this is a proof, that we’re all human, now I’m more believe I’m a human too.

Now, I’m still trying to finding my life purposes, and more sociable like “my crush” said LOL. I wish I can survive, and back to my original. Please wish me luck my future me, so we can meet in happiness!

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